Reuben (Stiller), a risk analyst with OCD and IBS, gets dumped by his cheating wife (Messing) on their honeymoon for the impliedly well-hung scuba instructor, Claude (Azaria). Reuben rebounds with free spirited former classmate Polly (Aniston), guided as always by his friend Sandy (Hoffman), a washed-out former child actor.

Inspired by its conspicuous placement throughout ALONG CAME POLLY, I went to Staples and bought Reuben's favorite software suite, RiskMaster™ 3000. Let's see whether it could have predicted what POLLY was like based on a few leading indicators.

OK, here we go... risk factors:

* Trailer, potty humor, copious (-0.5)
* Actor, Friends cast member (-0.5)

These are the real killers, though I manually edit the Friends number down to 0.3 since I liked the Good Girl. Jennifer Aniston is no Meryl Streep, but I bet she doesn't get haunted by Stanislavsky's outraged ghost like Matthew Perry does.

* Trailer, odd couple premise (-0.3)
* Release date, January (-0.3)
* Actor, Alec Baldwin, greasy thug routine, i.e., credited "as himself" (-0.2)
* Actor, Ben Stiller, nervous suitor shtick (-0.1)
* Trailer, sweaty hairy guy humor (-0.1)

For a total of -1.8. Now I give RiskMaster™ 3000 the positives.

* Actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman (+0.3)
* Trailer, ferret abuse, implied (+0.1)

And... Boy, they've got screens and screens of positives I could check off. It's just, none of them seem to apply. OK, I ask RM to "Compute"....

RISKMASTER™ 3000 ANALYSIS
Profile: "Along Came Polly"
* 99.9% probability Stiller gets Aniston following misunderstandings and complications
* 99.8% probability obvious but valuable lessons will be learned
* 80% probability running jokes will run far too long
* 75% probability Hoffman will introduce into the English language a new excretory vulgarism, combining two pre-existing excretory vulgarisms
* 50% probability Hoffman will denigrate Mathletes
* 45% probability Hoffman will lead Hell's Kitchen revival of Jesus Christ Superstar
* 20% probability Stiller will emerge as viable romantic lead during rewatchings of his work in some future century
* 5% probability suggested ferret abuse will materialize
* 1% probability film will be remembered in 24 hours

Wow. Move aside, Ebert! RiskMaster™ is my reviewer of choice from here on out!

-- Martin Scribbs

Review text copyright © 2004 Mixed Reviews. All rights reserved. Reproduction of text in whole or in part in any form or in any medium without express written permission of Mixed Reviews or the author is prohibited.

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